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The world ends……and we are building a home. Shoot.

Hello dear friends, family and other random bloggage lurkers.

Firstly, you will notice that our bloggage is now officially affiliated with the Cleveland Indians. My household is in a state of Defcon One Indian frenzy right now. A total lockdown. In fact my wife is currently listening to a game right now. Travis Brady. Tom Sizemore. Brian Adams. Shin Sue Yo Yo Ma. Household names around here right now. Even the little drummer boy (Brian Adams) who sits in the grandstand at every Indians game and bangs his huge drum is appluaded. The ox and lamb keep time quite well with Brian Adams indeed.

Well guys, I must admit I am a little downhearted I am doing the bloggage right now. Why? Because I am supposed to be chillaxin on a golden beach with my wife in Heaven right now and grovelling on earth no longer. Apparently, the rapture was supposed to happen yesterday and, according to CNN, I now have to suffer through 5 unspeakble months of horror, suffering and general terror. 5 MONTHS!!! For me that started with a cold shower this morning. I assume if you are reading this, then you as well missed the boat. Dog gone it, why can’t the whackos just be right for once????? There is crazy, and then there is just downright stark raving, foaming at the mouth, doomsday t-shirt wearing, pamphlet handing out, quit your job, blow your savings crazy. What the heck are these people thinking? If someone came up to them and said  BEST BUY IS GIVING AWAY FREE TV’s AND FOOT MASSAGES !!! IN FACT BEST BUY STAFF ARE MUGGING PEOPLE IN THE PARKING LOT AND STUFFING TV’S INTO THEIR VEHICLES!!! Would they believe it? Of course not!! But some lunatic, self taught Biblical scholar comes along and using complex formulas figures out the world is going to end 7000 years to the day after the flood ended – and we all lose our minds. 7000 years, eh. Must have found Noah’s day planner lodged in the top of a pine tree to nail down that date. Maybe the guy forgot to carry the one in his calculation. Maybe he forgot it was a leap year for Noah that year. Maybe he isn’t getting enough Calcium. Who knows? But the sad fact is we now have 5 months of abominable suffering ahead, before the total destruction of the world at the hands of rogue clown samuari warriors…….wait, I think that was a movie trailer I saw……

But onwards to the house. Our house is practically springing out of the ground like lava out of the summit of Mount Vesuvius. Minus the destruction, ash and eradication of life. It is being built at a goodly pace is what I mean. With no further ado, allow me to intruce you to Ernie,

Behold. The Ernie.

Ernie is what we have named the first wall of our house.

Us and Ernie.

My wife flirting with Ernie.

 But as we all know, it is going to be hard to ride out the next 5 months of tribulation in a one wall house. So we decided to splurge and built 3 more walls to keep Ernie company.

This is what a tribulation proof basement looks like.

Ok, so coming back to reality for awhile, yes, our basement walls are up! The plumbing for the mechanical room and future basement washroom are also installed. All our basement windows are roughed in, and our concrete bearing pads for the main floor teleposts are properly located. We moved two concrete pads to allow for a bigger rec room in the basement, which meant increasing the sizes of the LVL beams which span beneath the dining and living room. Rather than do an interpretive dance to explain the rooms and stuff, here are some pictures…..

This is the future garage. We are making it large enough to stable a horse, since during the next 5 months of suffering gas prices will certainly soar out of reach, forcing us to ride around sans Ben Hur. Hey, we like to be prepared.

This is our future rec room / food larder. Anne and I figure we can store at least 5 years worth of Kraft Dinner and Twinkies in here when the world ends. As long as I load up solitaire and our horse doesn’t like KD, we could probably wait things out.

I have also noticed that, currently, our house has a very unique feature: no door. Nope. X-nay on the doornay. Behold:

Door? Phf, Door schmore.

 There are obvious cost savings associated with door free houses. Firstly, of course, you don’t need to buy a door. You don’t need a door bell. Door mat. Entry light. Shoe rack. Butler. Keys. Christmas wreath. Cha ching, cha ching, cha ching. Quite frankly, I don’t understand those people who live opulently enough to afford two doors into their homes. TWO DOORS! Here is how we will save money and still gain access to the house:

Why hello there! Look who knocked at the door!

We have dual purpose window doors.

 We have doors into every single room of our house from the outside using this method. Simple yet effective. But wait. What about those who want to visit but don’t want to climb through windows? I haven’t the slightest clue why someone would have a problem crawling through windows, but I am sure they are out there. Anyhow, we need communion with friends and family so we have devised an alternative method of entry into our home:

 Yes, a catapult. Some of you may recognize this ensemble from the famous siege of Minas Tirith in the final Lord of the Rings. Did the orcs use the door to the city (initially)? No they did not. Rather they launched whatever they wanted right over the walls, circumventing said door.

The definition of a catapult, courtesy of Wikipedia, is as follows: A catapult is a device used to throw or hurl a projectile a great distance without the aid of explosive devices.

Hurling. Projectile. Great distances. No explosives. It meets all my criteria for a safe home entry. To avoid copyright infringments lawsuits with Peter Jackson we will simply call it a fat-apult rather than catapult, since I am assuming those who would select this method of entry are simply too lazy to knock on my window and crawl on in. We are proposing the construction of a fat-apult on our front lawn to launch our guests over our walls into the soft nougaty centre of our home. Foolproof. However, ogres to load the catapult are somewhat hard to come by following the recession, leaving me scratching my head on how to load the fatapult. The only other alternative we are evaluating at this time is a zipline from my brothers house nextdoor. Clement, I should add, has a door, but he is too modest to talk about it.

We may have to look into getting a door. It made alot more sense before I put it on paper.

Well, this week Steve will be installing the telposts and main floor of the house. Once that’s done they can begin framing up the main floor walls. Anne and I just love going out there every night after work to check things out. We haven’t seen a single of the framing crew yet, so it’s almost like magic when we stop by at the end of the day and a ton of work has been done. It’s almost like little magical forest gnomes come frolicking out of the treeline under the moonlight, chanting some happy little tune while they build the house with their little gnome hammers. Except in our case the gnomes are buff, tanned guys who smoke and don’t wear little red pointy hats. We have been very blessed with an excellent contractor.

In all seriousness, we thank God every single morning for the blessings this summer has in store for us. We don’t know why or how He is allowing us to do this, but friends, it is a blast and without His providence, we would have nothing. Not even enough legos to make a pretend house. All the praise and glory goes to our God:) Even if He decided to wait a few more days to come back.

Joe & Anne


5 responses

  1. Susan

    I am sorry to be the one to inform you that in heaven there is no marriage or giving in marriage (see Mark 12:25), so do your beach chillaxin with Andrea here because you won’t be doing it there! It says you’ll be like the angels, Joe! Imagine that! Never thought of how it must seem to you like your house is going up by magic since you don’t see it happening. It’s fun catching you there on your evening sorties occasionally!

    May 22, 2011 at 4:58 pm

  2. sue

    great writing, joe! i’m looking forward to knocking on your window and climbing in to see the new house when my travels bring me to sioux this summer! hope all continues to go well!

    May 22, 2011 at 7:51 pm

  3. Hello! I just found your blog–as a result of your finding mine!– and my husband and I really enjoyed reading your posts. How fun (and funny) to watch a house go up! Good luck to you! 🙂

    May 22, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    • Thanks so much! I was reading a bunch of your posts this afternoon and loved your blog, hence the subscription! 🙂 My husband’s nonna lives in the Bronx so NYC has a special place in our hearts! Looking forward to getting to know you better through your blog!

      May 22, 2011 at 8:23 pm

  4. Kat

    Hey! WOW that house building looks like a LOT of work! hehe thankfully, the world did not end 😉

    Thanks for stopping by!!!

    May 22, 2011 at 8:53 pm

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