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Post Office Warfare??

Let the bloggage barrage begin.

Firstly,  I am slightly embarrassed, slightly pleased and slightly uneasy to share with you the following fact. Turns out the last bloggage I posted was blocked by “net nanny” on our friend’s computer. Yup. She was not allowed to view this blog, because net nanny blocked it due to “weapon content”.

Weapon Content.

Thinking back on that bloggage, I remember being only slightly flustered with some of the local hardware vendors, and apparently I used weapon references. In fact it may have been “Thermonuclear weapon”.  I suppose that would classify as weapon content, since it is the most destructive force our species had managed to concoct. However I am glad our governments are much more conservative in their threatened uses of nukes. I mean, if we really just went around nuking every place that had poor customer service, there would be a serious deficiency in places to shop. And a serious shortage of customers too.  Personally, I would never EVER enter a store unless there was one of those big bragging sings posted outside, sort of like McDonald’s, that says something like “456,345 days of service since our last nuking!!!” Now there is a store that cares.

Speaking of store signs, I remember being totally shocked one of the last times I visited the post office in Middlefield, Ohio, during one of our visits to our fab fam. Posted on the door was the following sign (no joke):

“No guns allowed on premises” with a big “X” over a Glock 9.

WHAT!! But man, I always take my AK-47 when I go check the mail. If the door is jammed I just spray it with a clip or two to loosen things up a bit. And if I get one more furniture store flyer, I can blast it into oblivion with my pump shotty.

Actually, that sign made me nervous when I entered. I am only used to signs on establishments that say “No shirt, no shoes, no service”.

I guess I should have felt relieved being in that Post Office. “Whew! FINALLY, a gun-free public establishment!”. It actually had more of the opposite affect. What are you telling me here? Are you saying that enough people pack heat when going to check the mail that a freaking sign had to be posted discouraging against it?

Rather, I felt nervous and jittery, and looked at people with suspicion, wondering if their trigger fingers were itchy and twitchy since they had to leave their piece in the Land Rover. Nothing like getting your mail at the O.K. Corral. This sign would make more sense to me if I was a marine checking my mail at the local Sunni post office in Kandahar.

At that point, if someone decided to go postal in the post office, my escape plan involved superman diving over the postage counter at the first sign of hot lead, and then throwing fistfuls of free stamps over the counter as the tracers fly while screaming “postage on the house!” and making my escape in the ensuing mad rush for free postage stamps by all those involved in the gunfight. Hopefully I remember to bring my furniture flyer out with me, then at least it’s not a total loss.

Why am I thinking of post office anarchy? Well, shockingly, there actually is a connection to our new house. For my entire life I have been getting mail at the local post office located just a block away. But no longer! The other day we timidly, and with great trepidation, visited the bank of post office boxes in our new neighbourhood.

Here I am risking getting my mail without a gun. My wife would kill me if she knew how careless I was that day. Besides my careless act of striding up to the mailboxes unarmed, I also was slightly, albeit only temporarily, confused by which unit our box was in. The Post Office told us "Unit 5, box 9". I foolishly counted 5 boxes and thought it was one of the end units. No, actually. Unit 5 is the second one from the right. In my feeble mind that would make it either unit 4 or 2. But I am not the Boss of them.

After the gunfire erupted and I managed to throw free stamps to affect my escape, I managed to get our mail for the first time. Sadly, however, it was only ANOTHER FURNITURE FLYER. Really needed my shotty that day.

So it has been a CRAZY week up at the ol’homestead! And by ol’homestead, I mean our brand new house which is in no way associated with farming or an ancient family lineage. And now, with no further weapon references, here are the pictures:

Firstly, we have a slab of concrete in our garage now. Known to the common man as a "concrete garage slab". It rocks.

And mounted upon our new garage slab, like the Vatican gleaming above the city of Rome, is our nice little wood staircase. Mr. Pope, please don't be offended that I just likened our wood stairs to your pad. Other people can have nice stuff too, Mr. Pope.

They delivered our drywall this past week too and stored it in the garage. I'm no drywall expert, but something seemed...............off. I asked for new drywall to be brought, cause I had a bad vibe about that stack of drywall.The roads up here can wreak havoc on delivery trucks.

We had this drywall delivered on a litter by slaves in loincloths. It was stacked in a much more orderly manner and after Neil Armstrong approved it, we decided to keep it. Good job Neil.

Our drywallers then arrived on site, and slipped into something a little more intimate before commencing work. We don't enforce any sort of dress code in our house, and I personally would not want to impeed the efficiency of the crews with trivial things such as "clothes". In fact, this guy is great. The guy without the bunny. His name is Ryan and Anne and I work out with him every day at the gym. Solid guy. I don't really know the other guy and things were getting a little too scandalous over there, so I brought in the family friendly bunny to help. This is gonna trigger "net nanny" software for sure.

While the drywallers were changing, I dashed in for a quick snap shot of the dining and living room then dove out the nearest window before my vision was compromised.

These boulders were left in the back yard when the Decepticons took our dirt pile. We will have to find a use for them.Perhaps I will build a trebuchet and launch them at the Germans when they come. Don't kid yourselves now, the Germans WILL come again. Only a matter of time.

Just so we're clear on what I am talking about. Behold, a trebuchet and an attacking German. You guys are welcome to find refuge at our place when it happens. Help me load rocks. By the way, does anyone out there know enough German to translate this poster? My Google-ing of the words is coming up with "SO WE ARE GOING CAMPING - AFTER WE LAY SIEGE TO JOE & ANNE'S HOUSE!" By the way, all our German friends are also welcome to find refuge as long as they are not carrying steilhandgranades.

Steve has also continued siding our house, despite the obvious, and inevitable threat of invasion. This is a shot of the back side of the house. We went with a color called "Chestnut Brown". We based our selection on a sample the size of a baby rattle, so we were pretty pleased we liked it on a full scale model!

Here is the watchtower from where Anne and I hope to spot the German invasion. I have a frying pan hanging by the window I will begin banging which is your cue to begin loading the boulders into the trebuchet.

It’s time for some hotness! My favorite person is up next…………..

Here she is!!! The real seat of power in any house is in the laundry room. She is modeling it quite well in this picture. These two windows directly overlook the main entry stairs so you can decide if you want to let the person into your house, or grab a bottle of Javex and make threatening motions at them.

So there you have it – another week at the ol’homestead. Hopefully your net nanny software didn’t have a conniption, and let you in to read this blog. I guess in retrospect we did briefly discuss shotguns, Nazis, trebuchet’s and clothing issues. We’ll tone it down for the next one, I promise.

Take care friends!


One response

  1. Sheri Martin

    Never read anything like this, Joe. I almost peed myself. I’ll scrape my limbs from the floor and go on now. You have great writing skills. 🙂

    July 12, 2011 at 5:09 pm

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