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Queen Mothers

Hello again friends, family and foes,

I am slipping into 3 weeks hiatus’ (hiati? Or is that a country?) from the bloggage. Life has spiralled madly out of control, like a B-17 super fortress blasted from the skies by a ME-109 and is now a plummeting, flaming, spiraling ball of fire heading to earth. Except it is one of those spiraling, flaming, plummeting falls that is really enjoyable, setting you down –  nay – kissing down, in a vibrant green field, next to sheep, who promptly pick you a bouquet of daisies as soon as you step out of the wreckage, ask you to shear them so they can sew you a new blankey, then offer you infallible advice on your stock performance.

Life is grand in a busy way, in other words.  The end of construction is rushing towards us like a meteor of pleasure, and we are standing there with arms wide open and huge silly grins plastered on our faces. We got a ton of pictures to show you guys from the last 3 weeks, so strap on your water wings and lets dive into the pictorial pool, shall we?

Two Queen Mothers for $1,000. Not a bad deal eh? And not just one of them – BUT 2!!! I was shocked to find that written in my wife’s impeccable hand writing on a sticky note sitting on my office desk. I mean, I am a big fan of the British royalty and all, but what gives here? Is my wife planning a house warming party and has rented the services of 2 Queen Mothers? What would a queen mother do at a house party? Why is she renting her self out so cheaply? $1,000? I can’t even get Clarence the Clown from Family Fun Rentals to make an appearance for a grand. Maybe the Queen Mother is saving for William and Kate’s baby shower and needed extra cash, resulting in her……………selling herself to 2 Canadians in the boonies in Ontario?? And why 2?? Is 1 Queen Mother not enough? I mean look at her……


Does this picture scream ‘high maintenance’ or what? Look at that broach. She would go straight to the bottom if she went swimming with that on. Although she could probably paddle herself to shore with that fan before she got in any serious trouble. Why is my wife buying this lady x2 for a cool grand? Do we need her to finish our place? Is she really good at cleaning? Is she helping me move the freezer? That’s got to be it. Joe + 2 Queen Mothers would be just about the right manpower to move our behemoth freezer. Just as I was getting excited about my reduced scope of moving labour, my eyes glanced at the note again.

Doggone it.

2 Queen Mattresses for $1,000.

Of course.

Right, photos, Joe, photos.  Swan diving into the pictorial pool right now…………

Allow me to tell you about this picture. We bought our laminate flooring from Winnipeg and had it shipped to Dryden, where my wife went to pick it up. Obviously, from this photo, one can deduce that the flooring was shipped in one of the following manners:

1)     In a tank that picked up our flooring and then did a tour of duty in Afghanistan

2)     They strapped our flooring to an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile and fired it at Dryden.

My wife surveyed the carnage, scolded the tank driver, and then directed the soldiers to load the packages in our pickup truck.

However, the little packer men / soldiers decided they would rather go cause more collateral damage with their tank to other innocents, so they left my wife and the wonderful Mrs. Susan Hochstedler to pack up our ½ ton truck. And so they did! Look at those pecs. Pectacular.

Not surprisingly, the silly tank drivers damaged about 3 boxes of the flooring before my wife and Susan wrestled the packages from their destructive hands.  The flooring for our living and dining rooms is called “Noguera Walnut” What is a ‘Noguera’? Sounds more like a car than a nut.

This is the PSX-TL3000 ‘Ice Age’ edition air conditioner we had installed. Ok, ok, so the name is maybe a little fictitious, but Anne and I have high hopes for this unit. There were many, many nights this summer where we laid in bed, sweltering and suffocating – with the only thing missing being the jungle drums from the tribal village and an anaconda hanging from our ceiling. No longer. ‘Hey there heat – TASTE MY PAIN!’ Can’t wait to fire this bad boy up next summer. I think Anne and I will fire it up for the first time drinking tall glasses of lemonade.

While investigating the PSX-TL3000, we found this guy. I wanted to keep him and launch him at the Germans, but Anne refused to even look at it. Really hard to load ammunition when you can’t even look at it.

After a long gestation period, our kitchen was finally birthed last week………here it is in its freshly delivered state. A little messy, a little crabby, but the doctor says it’s a girl and she is going to be healthy and beautiful. We have hired a private nanny to come put it together for us.

My family came by to conduct a building inspection and to make sure the kitchen is ‘Italian Cooking Approved (ICA)’. That is a huge approval by the way, since it dictates our diet until the mortgage is paid off. I was as nervous as I was at my first job interview.

Fortunately, I know the kitchen inspector personally. Earlier that day, I threw a couple wheels of provolone cheese and some prosciutto her way which practically guarantees a pass on our kitchen. Mangia mangia bella Nonna!

My brother Julian coming out of the closet.

I call this photo “The Twin Towers”. I want to frame it and put it in our dining room.

Here is our kitchen, partially assembled, but still being nursed to maturity by our nanny (carpenter). I think we have enough cupboards to hide the great pyramids of Giza in our kitchen, but Anne assures me that ‘there are enough’ in a voice that implies that we almost didn’t have ‘enough’. I am sort of expecting to move in and place each one of our forks in a cabinet of its own, but my wife never ceases to amaze me with how much kitchen gear she has. She is like a Navy Kitchen Seal with all sorts of black ops kitchen utensils used to carry out clandestine culinary missions. Come to think of it, it’s less of a kitchen and more of an armoury for her weapons against bland cooking. My wife, the champion of Italian eatery, thank you dear Lord.

Do you guys know what this place is? I know I am getting a lot of looks right now with raised eyebrows and rolled eyes. Being from Sioux Lookout, the only time I have used an Ikea is in a game of scrabble, and not even legally since it is a proper noun. This place is happiness. Pure, unadulterated mind blowing happiness for new home owners. Allow me to digress. My wife, my brother and myself went to southern Ontario for a wedding and to visit an old university friends of mine, Steve. I know a lot of Steves. Anyhow, my buddy took us to this place, sort of like you would take someone to show them where you get your mail. Then in total amazement you watch as they get all glazey eyed, start foaming at the mouth and rubbing their bodies all over your mailbox. That would be weird right? Of course. Nearly the same thing happened here when Steve nonchalantly took us to Ikea.  Bless those Swedes. Bless them with a blessing.

The best part of Ikea, by far, was the names of their products. I was expecting to find an assortment of brand names. Oh no. It is all Ikea brand, and they give their products utterly ridiculous names in Swedish. I assume Swedish names are given to boost the appeal of the product. Take for example this bed. Wait, it is not a bed, as the tag proclaims, but a Hemnes. Sounds way cooler than saying ‘bed’. Makes the purchse way more exciting when you can say, “I want to buy 3 hemnes, 4 glockespiels, and ½ a box of lubenfluffens”. In reality, all you purchased was 3 beds, 4 slippers and ½ box of earplugs. You see, WAY COOLER IN SWEDISH!! However, I should note, I personally would not be comfortable sleeping in a bed called a “Hemnes”. Sounds a little too much like an STD for my preference.

A ‘Godmorgon’………fancy Swedish for “drawer organizer’. For some reason, I couldn’t look at this without picturing Morgan Freemen in a white suit holding it up with a big cheesy smile in a commercial. Wierd.

Steve and I explored the kitchen section of Ikea where I believe I found one of the original stone slabs used by Moses for the 10 commandments trying to pass itself off as a cutting board. If a thief breaks into my house, I ain’t running for my gun, I heading straight to the kitchen to get my cutting board.  Look at the thickness of that beast!! It’s like a chopping block from the French Revolution. Villainy doesn’t stand a chance in my household when I am wielding this. Oh no.

My brother Clement found the ‘wearable blankey section’. I think as a child, this would have scared the living daylights out of me. Sort of looks like a Shrek who just got ran over by a steamroller. Or perhaps a sapient pickle with a bad case of self-awareness. Either way, I couldn’t stick my little body inside this abomination as a child and expect to sleep at night.

In an awkward moment of discovery while writing this blog, I came across this extremely recent photo of Neil Armstrong posing with my wife at a dinner party. Neil, I see right through your web of lies. Get out of my Jacuzzi and make yourself useful around here.

So my friends, there you have it…..another 2 weeks in the exciting construction life of the Cospito family. Only about 3 more weeks until we move in!! I better go pick up those Queen Mothers, we are going to need them.

Until next time…….

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One response

  1. Susan

    You really DO have a Queen Mother (in-law) coming to help you!

    PS: I am NOT coming to visit you as long as you give safe harbor to snakes alongside your air conditioner! It’s only a quick crawl from there in through your vents and pipes and you really will have an anaconda hanging from your ceiling!

    August 21, 2011 at 5:42 pm

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